Yes it’s been awhile since I’ve posted…..it’s not that I didn’t have anything to say…but the things I had to say were pretty pathetic!! At least in my opinion…and yeah…I’m pretty sure that would be your opinion too!!
Soooo, why am I writing now?? Fuck if I know!! It’s Valentines day….and guess what??? I’m alone!! Ohhhh BIG surprise!! NOT!!!
My daughter came home from her boyfriends place on Sunday with her arms filled with a teddy bear, a chocolate rose, a card (that she couldn’t open till the 14th) and wearing a beautiful necklace!! My daughter is only 14 yrs old!!! I was SOOOOOO fucking Jealous!!! Even when I was married I NEVER got anything even REMOTELY like that!! Never in my life have I EVER been spoiled like that on Valentines day!! Or any other day actually!! Yes I know…there is NOTHING as romantic as a teenage boy on Valentines Day….but even as a teen I never got any of this kind of treatment. And I do not begrudge my daughter ANY of her happiness and love….I SOOOO wish it was me!! Just once I would Love to be spoiled!! Jewelry, Chocolates, Roses, Teddy Bears…Hell I would even be happy with Timmies coffee, a couple of apples fritters and a nice neck massage!! Who am I kidding….I would be happy with a slap on the ass and the phrase “lets do it”!!! But a girl likes to dream big!!!
See!! This is the most interesting thing in my life recently and it’s Still fucking Pathetic!!!
Yup!! I got a job!! I got a GREAT job!!! And I didn’t even really apply for it!! :)
When I got fired from that hell hole of a job at SS Consulting, I put my resume on one of those job finding web sites…and a couple of days after I did that I got a phone call from one of the Agents at Sun Life Financial, asking me if I was interested in selling for their company. I told him I really wasn’t interested but he asked me to take their 15 min. test thingy and he would phone me back. Well I did the thing, and he phoned me back and said “Yeah, you’re not quite right to sell for us”…DUH!! I said that right at the beginning!! :) But he did say he was impressed with my resume, and that he would forward it to the local agents. Ok, so that was like July 2010…well fast forward to early December 2010 and I get a phone call, they have my resume and would like to talk to me about a job they are creating!! I met them for a coffee, we chatted for a bit, it was a very casual interview….they said they would make a decision after Xmas or early in the new year. Well it was starting into the 2nd week of January 2011, and I hadn’t heard anything….I wasn’t really interested in working right now anyway. My unemployment goes until June and I was/am using my time off to work on “me”. But on Monday I got a phone call asking if I could come in the next day and kinda shadow them for 2 days and then I can decide if I actually wanted to work for them or not!! I couldn’t believe that!! They were really impressed by me, thought I would be perfect for them, but the final decision was up to ME!!!!
I shadowed them for 2 days and man oh man!! It’s Perfect for me…it’s just 8 hours a week to start..which is all I want!! Honest!! And as they get busier I will get more hours, plus my wages will go up AND I will get bonuses as they get them!! Plus I will get benefits, well I will get them eventually. And they want me to get in there and make the office my own!! So basically they are telling me to do all the things that my last job got mad at me for doing!! :)
Well Of Course I Took the job!! The couple who hired me (a husband and wife team) are just wonderful!! Really open with a great sense of humour. They even bring their dogs into the office (you Know people are good when they bring their pets to work!!).
Soo, now the Work part of my life is getting in line, I will have to spend my time working on the Health part and the Love part!! :)
I am soooo frustrated!! I KNOW I’m not the best mother ever…hell I’m not even CLOSE!! But I DO love my children and they Are mostly good kids, (good grades, lots of friends, normal hormonal teenage problems) and maybe I spoil them too much…trying to make up for the fact I took them away from their father and all their friends?? I don’t know…all I know is I don’t ask alot from my kids, but when I DO ask for their help…I expect it!! And I have talked to the kids about this!! I have told them that when I say that something is important to me, I expect their help, their advice, their input!!
Soooo, WHY THE FUCK don’t I get any of that from them???
Yeah ok…they are Teenagers!! Normal teenagers….I don’t know what I am thinking…but at the same time they are old enough to know the proper behaviour in situations!! And it’s sooooo fucking HARD for me to constantly fight for things with them….I have to fight for sooo much in my life already….and to always be doing all this by my self!! With the kids, that’s 3 against 1!! Hardly fair!!
Of course no one said life was fair, but damm it…why can’t it be just once in a while??
Yesterday I was moving some tables I had bought for a friend (from IKEA so they were all in pieces but plastic wrapped together) and I dropped on of them. The fucker landed onto my already broken toes…the Corner of the damm table landed right onto my (I may have mentioned this) onto my ALREADY BROKEN TOES!!!! Can you say ouch…well I am saying OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS REALLY REALLY HURTS!!! As in Kill Me Now I can’t take much more.
Ok…you’re thinking “hmmm a Tad bit of overkill over some owied toes” but man it soooo hurts…and this really hurts and I have been in pain for soooo long, too long I don’t know how much more I can take!! But I have to say the worse part of yesterdays little accident is I soooo wanted to call my Mommy, but the thought of her laughing at my klutziness, laughing at me, Again. I just want, Need some true Mom styled comfort, some sympathy, some one to be worried about me and besides my children who are totally traumatized by all this, I only have my Mom. And I can’t even phone her.
I just don’t want to hurt any more…physically, mentally or emotionally!!!
NEW YEARS INTENTIONS 2011
Lose weight (this ones seems to be a constant from every NY’s list since the beginning of time!!)
Get out of the house more
Meet new people, join clubs
Spend quality time with the kids
Spend more time on crafting and writing
So, it’s been like Forever since I have written…and really lots has been happening in my life. Some good like Xmas, I got some nice gifts, and the Marianas Trench concert that Fucking ROCKED!!!! We even got Matt and Mikes autograph, plus the autograph of Jessica Lee and the sexy guitar tech Brett!! And my girls got their pic taken with some of Jakalopes members, Brett and Jessica Lee. PLUS!! we got to meet some new really good friends!! Barbara and her daughter Aileen, someone I met over twitter. They bought my extra tickets and we all had a wonderful time together…it was like we have known them forever!! The only down side of the whole concert was my tripping over a sweater and mini step at the end of the row…and falling hard on my back and hitting my head….MAJORLY embarrassing…this was in course in front of 100’s of people inside the theatre!!! I bruised quite abit of my poor body..but wait..there’s more….coming back into the theatre, the concert had started so it was dark…I entered the wrong row…and after almost sitting on some poor scrawny guy (must have scared the fucking shit outta him) I ended up climbing over the seats to get to my girls (who were sitting there laughing away at me!!) got a couple more bruises on the legs from that one!! But even with that majestic fall, it was definitely worth it!! Man those guy are SOOOOOO fucking Talented…and SOOOOOOO fucking HOT!!! Major cougar Groooowwllll!!!
Staying at my moms house for 10 days was a little hard…I missed my own home and as much as I LOVE my mom, she’s a little hard to spend that much time with!! Also didn’t help that I FELL DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!! Man that HURT!! My knee went at a weird angle under me and I slide down with my foot under me….I couldn’t walk for a couple days…thankfully all my shopping for the kids was done. But it made it hard to do the shopping for myself I needed to do, and made it hard to do anything else for the rest of the visit…watched ALOT of tv, napped alot, and sat by myself in the bedroom while everyone else got to go out and do things!! It was a nice visit…but it really would have been nicer without the 2 falls (I probably broke a couple toes and a couple ribs in 1 or both falls!! And I may have done some serious damage to my knee, but wont be able to tell till the swelling goes down!!)
I some how made it home, it was a LONG drive…and Thankfully my son came home with me…he was worried about me being alone…he gave up the chance to spend time with his idiot father to make sure I was ok. Thank the Goddess he DID come home with me…there was NO WAY I would have been able to even get into the house (I got stuck on the ice and couldn’t move) plus the van needed to be unloaded and then just help doing things…I LOVE you Gregory, thank you for caring for me sooooo well!!
New Years Eve was the usual quiet, lonely night…I was actually in bed by 8 pm…and spent the rest of the night (till about 1 am) watching movies on Netflicks.
But now it’s 2011 and it’s time for new beginnings….all those New Year Resolutions, or rather New Year’s Intentions (a MUCH better way of describing it) wish me luck!!
It feels like Years have gone by in the last 7!! Between my sons bad nose bleeds, flu/cold bug hitting all of us, appointments with doctors and councillors and psychiatrists, conversations with my Mom, dealing with my idiot ex, trying to figure out how to handle hormonal teenagers, plus my everyday loneliness.
Blah, blah, blah….life is just too hard…I don’t want to do it by myself any more!!! How do I know I’m making the right decisions for myself…for my kids???
I wish I knew what to do…..I use to be a very strong willed, sure of myself woman who had the whole world open to her and I knew what I wanted!! Now…I’m a old, scared woman who has no future and NO idea where she is going!! Or even what direction I want to go!!! Some days I can’t WAIT to be reincarnated so I can start over again!!!
Well….I may have done something pretty frickin stupid!! Ok…it WAS stupid….but I think I have to figure out if it was just my regular stupid or if this was an Extreme-Life-Changing Stupid!!!
And now I don’t know if I can even write about it….Ok….I’m going to go ahead and talk about it…cause I NEED to get it out somehow, and writing is very therapeutic to me.
Man this is hard!!
Ok…it was a week and a half ago when I got a visit from someone who means alot to me….it had been a while since we had seen each other, and in that time we had hardly even chatted online…soooo it was a little stilted and awkward…it doesn’t help that I don’t know how to have conversations any more…God Damm my ex boss…he’s the one that told me in a job review that WHO I was as a person wasn’t very good and that everyone I met disliked me and no one liked it when I talked. Seriously…THIS was part of my job review!! He said NOTHING about WHAT I DID…just went on about how horrid of a person I was…I had a VERY hard time with this….and since then it’s been VERY VERY hard for me to have conversations…I’m always wondering if the person I’m talking to hates me…if their inner dialogue is saying what a loser I am, if what I am saying comes across as useless or disturbing or ????…….Sooooo needless to say I wasn’t really able to bring much to the conversation on that Sunday….plus the fact that every time I looked at him all I could think of was some kind of nakid, sweaty, wet activity….but since there was that awkwardness I couldn’t really just blurt out what I was thinking!!
So, I sat in my chair, he sat on the couch and we kinda talked, but mostly he was grabbing things that were laying around and playing with them…making up topics about them…and one of the things he ended up grabbing was my Journal!! He started flipping through the pages…stopping to read once in a while….you have to understand that I don’t censor myself in my journal…and ALOT of what I write is about, ummm, this particular “friend”…and I mean ALOT!!! Some of it wasn’t all that nice…I was trying in my own warped way to find a way to distance myself from him, to hate him so I could stop thinking about him…(it doesn’t work btw!!). Soooo, I don’t know exactly what parts he read…I don’t know how much he read….and he wont say….and you know what….THAT wasn’t even the Stupid part!!! I also gave him the address to this blog!!! AND he came here and READ SOME OF MY ENTRIES!!!
YES!! That was my stupid mistake….I don’t mind sharing my thoughts…honest….if I did would I put them out on the internet?? But so much of what I write seems to have something to do with this friend!! For example…This whole entry!!
Maybe what bothers me the most…is Not that he can now read all my thoughts and feelings…but that I don’t have any access to him, his feelings, his thoughts….he knows All about me and I know such a tiny bit about him.
Ohhhhh ICK ICK ICK!!! It’s been one Hell of a day!!! First of all, I took some sleeping pills and a couple of pain pills before I went to sleep last night….in hindsight…Not a good idea…I woke up somewhere around 2:30ish PM!!…with some MAJOR “Where the fuck am I” feelings and alot of pretty bad dizziness thrown in!! I finally made my way downstairs by 3pm…my Wonderful son had made me some potatoes and eggs so I had some Brunchupper and I logged onto my computer (as usual) and turned on the tv and berated myself for a while for totally missing the daylight (yes by 3:30 it was already getting dark….I LOVE IT!!) I was Still really really tired…almost went back to bed for a while, fell asleep in my chair for a couple on minutes (I think it was minutes..) off and on for about a while…then my tooth started to hurt me…did I mention that the tooth I broke on Halloween needs a cap…and the temp cap I had disappeared…so I have a nakid, filed down tooth that is getting more and more sensitive…So, now I’m awake, still a little dizzy, and the phone rings…it’s my idiot ex…
He wants the kids to go to his place this weekend….he “Promises” both him and his skanky bitch of a child beating girlfriend will “be Good” (Seriously…this bitch actually had the Nerve to put her HANDS on my Son and PUSHED him!!!) the kids haven’t been allowed back there in a couple months now!! I DO NOT want my kids to be anywhere near that bitch, but the idiot is promising and he wants to have a birthday party for my girls (they turn 14 on Sunday). Soooooo, on Saturday I will be taking the kids to his apartment so they can have a 2 hour visit with him and that horrid skanky bitch and her family….I am FUCKING TERRIFIED!! But I will be close by…and it will take just a quick text or phone call for me to barge in, grab my kids and run!!
Then a little while after that I get an messenger buzz, it’s Mr Revy…..there is chance that maybe on Sunday he can swing by for a quick visit!!…In other words…there is a chance that on Sunday I will be able to get together with the guy that I’m in love with but who is in a relationship and we can fuck our brains out for about 2 hours!! It’s been almost a full year since I’ve had sex…and granted a quickie with Mr. Revy once a year ISN’T exactly the relationship I want. But I just can’t say no to him anymore….I’m too Horny and I Miss him too much…..I just have to remember that this is just a casual fling and that it may be the last time between him and me….and that I need to ignore the future at least as far as Mr Revy and I am concerned!! It’s going to be hard…but I really feel that this is the ONLY way I’m going to get any sex for a Very VERY long time!!
So, this was my day…..